How Do We Do a Check-in that Can Help Repair our Relationship? 

The Greek word, FANOS, which means "to bring to light," is the perfect acronym for a check-in, especially if your marriage has been burdened with secrecy. 

These are the elements to include in the check-in. 

•  Feelings - First, share a feeling with your partner that you felt that day. Consider using a feelings wheel to help you identify your emotion. 
• Affirmations - Affirm your spouse for something they did.
• Needs - Share a need you felt that day. (It doesn't have to be met by your spouse.)
• Ownership - Take responsibility and apologize for something you did or did not do.
• Struggles/Sobriety - Share with your partner a struggle with sobriety, recovery, work, family, or personally. 

It's recommended to avoid discussing sexual triggers as these can be very painful areas that can ignite emotions. 

How Do We Create a Safe Environment as We Rebuild Our Relationship?

Both partners need to feel safe in order to have a successful check-in. As a partner shares insights about their day using FANOS, the other partner listens without interruption or feedback. Likewise, the sharing partner needs to know they won't be criticized, shamed, or corrected. Furthermore, it's suggested anything that comes up is not discussed for at least 48 hours.

Maintaining eye-contact during a check-in is a powerful way to build intimacy. It may seem awkward at first. However, as you make this part of your daily routine, it will begin to feel more natural. Over time, this check-in process can strengthen your relationship.

What Is an Example of a Check-in that Would Help Rebuild Our Relationship? 

Using FANOS to rebuild your relationship might look something like this: 

•  Feelings: I felt excited when I was offered a job at the Heritage Community, but I felt anxious after I decided to counteroffer. I hope to hear from them soon. 
•  Affirmations: I want to thank you for getting off work early today so you could help set up for Mandy's violin recital.
• Needs: I need to give myself more time to rest tomorrow. I recognize that I made too many commitments today. 
•  Ownership: I take ownership for missing Jared's parent-teacher conference. I saw your email offering to attend, but I completely forgot about it. 
•  Struggles: Before Mandy's recital began, I noticed that my dress was dirty. I also saw Mandy's hair was falling out of her braids. I recognized that my perfectionism was kicking in. I'm glad I realized it so I could be more mindful during the recital.

Check-ins can be a powerful way to rebuild your relationship. They can be an impactful way to reconnect with your spouse and create intimacy. Likewise, through communication and transparency, healing can begin to take place. Furthermore, the process allows for conversations to include accountability in a non-confrontational way. 

As trust makes its way back into the relationship, the path toward healing can become more clear. 

At Thrive Counseling Atlanta, we can help you rebuild your relationship after a devastating betrayal. It is possible to heal and move forward together. Call us today.